I have been hanging with the topic of hugs over the past few weeks and have been observing people engaging in this form of human endearment. There are several types of hugs depending on the situation or relationship between the huggers.
Recently, I attended a family Baby- Q. It was a baby shower thrown over a big barbecue to celebrate the upcoming arrival of a new baby due in September.
This shower was an incredibly happy event with the new parents glowing with anticipation of this new life soon to enter this world. Hugs were abundant as the soonto- be parents greeted their guests and attendees when they walked in the door.
At the close of the evening, more hugs were dispatched as goodbyes were exchanged along with many pats to the new mama’s belly. I watched one woman put her hands on each side of the mama’s belly as a hug to the new little one. There was so much happiness throughout the evening, and I was delighted to be invited and attend. My joy increased knowing what I was witnessing I would get to share in my writing.
I have attended a few funerals this summer and saw hugs given freely and accepted by the family members who were experiencing the loss of their loved one. Hugs are a way to convey feelings when words do not come easily. I did watch one woman hug the son of his dead father and as she approached him, she simply said, “I’m sorry -- I have no words.” She gave the son a big hug and then gently stepped away.
Hugging connects us even though hugs being a simple gesture, may be overlooked as a nicety or nonchalant greeting. A hug is a universal language that transcends age, cultures, and circumstances.
Princess Diana made big headlines in 1989 when she hugged a child dying from AIDS in the HIV/ AIDS ward in a hospital in the middle of drug infested Harlem, NY. A doctor commented on her actions as, “She did the human thing.” The Princess was also quoted at an AIDS conference, “AIDS does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug. Heaven knows they need it.”
Hugs can have health benefits, which include reducing fear, stress, and pain. Studies have proven that hugs support immune systems and cardiovascular health. Scientists have spoken out that the benefits of hugging go beyond that warm feeling you get while being held in their arms or while you are holding them.
Hugs offer a way to express deep emotions and affection by allowing us to convey love, gratitude, and appreciation in the significant relationships we have in our lives. Hugging cements relationships that go beyond being an acquaintance by forging connections built on trust, vulnerability, and mutual support.
I am a huge fan of the sitcom, “Friends,” that aired for ten years from 1994 to 2004. The six characters were “Do or Die Friends,” and hugs were exchanged many times. This show inspired the title of this column as they repeated that phrase with arms extended on many occasions.
The characters were always comforting each other – even the male costars would hug often. The male characters were heterosexual and brutally honest with each other. These frequent hugs made male to male hugging an acceptable practice.
The three characters, Joey, Chandler, and Ross had a pure, lovable relationship sometimes called, “A Bromance,” (a tongue in cheek word combining brothers and romance). They hugged during wholesome moments ranging from forgiveness to support of the friendships they portrayed on national television for 236 episodes.
When hugs last 20 seconds or more, the human body releases oxytocin, which is also referred to as, “The Love Hormone.” Oxytocin brings forth nurturing feelings of trust, bonding, and security. At the same time, the stress hormone cortisol drops which decreases anxiety and tension. I guess “hugging it out” does make a lot of sense as the action brings out oxytocin.
Throughout the world, the meaning and style of hugging varies from country to country or family to family. In some cultures, hugs are freely exchanged as common
as a handshake. In others, physical touch is reserved for only the closest of relationships.
In Mediterranean countries, an embrace is often accompanied by kisses on the cheek, which is ritualistic during greetings and partings. In parts of the Middle East and Asia, hugs are less common in public and are reserved for private or in family circles.
Even though cultures differ in the specifics of hugging, the impulse to hug is deeply human . Even in societies where hugging is sporadic, times of crisis or celebration can loosen the cultural boundaries. As we have all seen, natural disasters, triumphant victories or existential grief can bring strangers together in spontaneous and shared acts of hugging.
The human need for physical touch begins when we are born and stays with us throughout our lifetime. Infants rely on being held for emotional regulation and physical development. Premature babies who receive “kangaroo care” (skinto- skin contact) gain weight faster and experience fewer health complications. As children grow, the comfort of a hug from a parent or caregiver becomes a cornerstone of emotional safety. The sad reality of infants kept in cribs in orphanages in some countries suffer irreparable damage on many levels when they are left with no one to touch or cuddle them.
The need for physical touch never leaves. Seniors in nursing homes or living alone many times report elevated levels of loneliness and depression. These conditions can be alleviated by regular, caring touch. A hug is a reminder they are not invisible, and their lives and they still matter.
Covid-19 left our world reeling and suffering in many ways. Since we were kept in seclusion, experts concocted a name for deprivation of touch calling it, “touch hunger.” Humans need physical contact for emotional equilibrium. During the lockdowns, the absence of touch led people to turn to creative substitutes such as virtual hugs, weighted blankets, and hugging pillows.
Our world has succumbed to using digital interactions rather than using the sensory richness of physical presence. We had no choice during the forced lockdowns. Emojis and GIFs can only go so far in communicating warmth and understanding. I personally prefer to talk over the phone rather than text, but unfortunately my modus operandi is on verge of extinction.
Studies have differentiated hugs into 29 distinct types. My go-to types are the bear hug, the tight hug, the back hug, the side hug, the friend hug, the cuddle hug, and the polite hug.
More men than women use the patting hug – a masculine type of hug with loud patting or slapping each other’s back to beef up what may be a bit out of their comfort zone.
I notice when a man gives “The Pat” to a woman, I am of the opinion it is a sign he is not into her, and it is a warm or kinder way of dismissal. Grandmas often give these types of hugs to children — softly administered and easier on an older pained body.
As I was doing a bit of background research on hugs, I was surprised at how studied this phenomenon has been. Evidently when giving a hug, one must keep a few things in mind to ensure your gesture will be well-received. They even offered tips to follow!
The first tip was you clearly need to gauge your relationship and make sure the person is close enough to appreciate a hug. This tip reminded me of a story about an older gentleman who side-hugged a 20-something female business associate when he sensed she was under duress and just needed a little reassurance.
This man was persecuted for doing something he had known was completely safe during most of his 75+ years of living. He was ostracized and degraded, and his position (as a volunteer) was suddenly in jeopardy. After learning about this guy’s experience, it occurred to me that today, we need to understand that not everyone is out to hurt, maim or destroy others.
Older generations were brought up in a different time and showing compassion was expressed by hugs, a touch on one’s back or arm. I understand personal space and touching not being allowed, however, a simple verbal correction could have saved undue duress and extensive sleep loss when legal action and job termination were threatened. It is my opinion that older people are on the short end of the stick these days when it comes to sensitivity, understanding or acceptance. DEI perhaps needs a chapter added to inclusivity about acceptance of how things used to be before DEI was brought about.
Another tip was you must have is the ability to be able to read body language. This brings a story to mind when I was working at 3M in the early 1990’s. I worked with a woman who grew up in Southern Minnesota on a farm with nine siblings. We were at a meet and greet event as a kickoff for a three-day sales meeting.
I staffed the registration table and saw her being introduced to a man who was a corporate executive in the company. He moved in such a way that she thought he was motioning her in for a hug. She did what she had been used to doing in her small town, big family, farm loving way – she accepted what she thought was her invitation and gave him a big bear hug.
The look on his face was one of surprise, along with a nervousness as he half-hugged her back. When she realized the hug was not his intention, she dropped her arms and stepped back horrified at what she had just done. It was cute when she said “Whoops,” while explaining she was a hugger. He was very gracious and laughed while extending his hand and said, “How about if we try this instead.” He then followed up with, “Well, this is a friendly group now, isn’t it?”
Other tips for considerations before giving a hug include being gentle and respect boundaries. When ending a hug, it is important to know when to disengage and then to release smoothly.
There is something beautiful about the way kids hug. There is no hesitation, no overthinking, just true warmth, and honesty. They do not stop to wonder if it is the right moment or if it looks awkward or if the other person will hug back. They just launch themselves totally into it with arms wide, grins big and with their whole heart. Their hugs carry the message, “I’m glad you’re here – I like you and you matter!”
My youngest grandchildren are twins and just turning seven years old. The bond between them is incredible and marvelous to watch. Joe is Julia’s older brother. He never hesitates to reiterate the fact he is older albeit it is a mere two minutes. They care about each other in a way I have not seen portrayed in other sibling relationships. Photos taken together many times include hugs; handholding or an arm draped over the other’s shoulder. Priceless moments for a grandma to catch sight of and cherish.
I shared the subject of this column with my dear friend, Annie this morning and she wrote back, “Hugs… One size fits all!” Hugs fit perfectly on good days as well as bad days, so I think every day we should “Hug it Out!”
