Burgomeister’s cell-phone dilemma continues

by Paul Leitgeb -

As reported in the Echo’s last two editions, I now have two cell phones residing at the bottom of Shagawa. The last an Eye phone, or I phone, or Smart Phone I don’t know if it is an Apple phone, Orange phone, or a Banana phone--I don’t know. In my hands a Smart phone is a stupid phone because the phone is only as smart as the user.
Let me go back to the beginning. A year or so back we were in Chicago and my wife was going into a Verizon dealer. I casually asked if she would get me a car charger for the normal size phone that I had that fit nicely in my pocket and was used exclusively for calling and texting.
Two hours after entering the store my wife returned with a big smile on her face and handed me this gigantic phone. She upgraded her phone and gave me her old phone. When I protested, she said I could get news, weather, play games and other things. I responded when I want news and weather I could turn on the radio and if I want to play games I’ll go to the park. I saw my argument was a lost cause. So I set the unwelcome giant on the seat of the pickup and we drove off.
Back to last week’s episode--my unwelcome giant now rests with the fish at the bottom of Shagawa. My wife informed me that knowing me she had the phone insured and information saved in the cloud. Cloud? Cloud? What kind of a cloud? Cirrus? Cumulus? Stratus? Nimbus?
“No, you idiot,” she responded, “not that kind of cloud.” It is just a term the technology industry uses to describe where information is stored.
I admit I am technologically challenged. Terms like, Gigs, Bytes, Droids, Apps, etc. leave me befuddled. When I hear the younger generation and women in particular use these terms in general conversation, I put on my loin cloth, grab my club and stagger off into the woods looking for a tree upon which to relieve myself.
After my wife told me the phone was insured we went to Voltz. The phone was insured, but there was a $200 deductible. $200? When I inquired as to how much my unwelcome giant was worth, I was told about $800. I quickly calculated $800 could get me about 40 cases of Black Label.
We forked over the needed cash and the very next day another unwelcome twin giant was delivered to our doorstep. However, the phone only had some of my information, most of my contacts were missing. It was also co-mingled with my wife’s contacts.
Often when the phone rings it is for my wife not me. I was told that since the phone was still in her name her information was on my cloud. I immediately recalled the Rolling Stones’ song--Hey You Get Off Of My Cloud.
Confused and disgusted I jammed the damn thing into my shirt pocket. It is so big that it slightly tore the pocket and the majority of it protruded out of my pocket. I was on the back patio and when I bent over to pick up a stick that had blown onto the patio--Kerplop--the phone fell out of my pocket onto the cement patio. The result, a shattered glass face. Back to Voltz.
For $100 I can have a new face put on the thing. When I complained my wife told me to pipe down and said, “I wish for $100 I could get a new face for you.”
While at Voltz, I saw a phone similar to the one I had--cost $400. The gent behind the counter said my giant phone was new and worth a lot more even though slightly used I could probably get $500 or $600 if I sell it.
So if I can ever get the info from whatever cloud my info is on and get it back on my phone, and then get that info transferred to that $400 phone, look for a quick sale of my giant phone.
One final thought about these so called “smart phones.” The companies that make them should provide an inflatable rubber edging, so that if it lands in a lake it will float--or if it falls onto a rock or cement it will bounce and not break--or if for some reason it frustrates you with its intelligence you can throw it against a wall and not break it.
Finally, for these giant phones that don’t fit in a normal pocket, when you set it on a table in a restaurant or in a lounge and leave it on the table or on the bar - when you walk away and get more than 10 feet away - it voice activates, and the speaker comes on and says, “Hey dummy, you forgot me again.”
Which allows you not to forget it--or if you have the inflatable rubber edging--to throw it against a wall.